Guest post by Carre Otis

Many of us experience some sort of sexual dysfunction. All too often we continue to silence those fears and concerns. Intimacy can be scary. And there are so many expectations and habits that arise and seem to often override the quest for healthy and safe union.

It can be a challenge to address the deepest wounds in our live. But we must do it.  On my journey towards wellness and sexual healing, I had to really take a long hard look at my past as well as my present and decide how I wanted my future to look.

I am a survivor of both rape and domestic violence. Years of suppression had me living my life and experiencing relationships on a kind of autopilot, completely disconnected from my heart and feelings. It was too frightening to ‘let someone in’. On a physical level I could. But to let someone into my heart and the vulnerability of intimacy seemed impossible. I had certain habits that enabled me to endure what past experience had me convinced would be frightening or uncomfortable.

It was virtually impossible to stay present with a partner as soon as penetration occurred. I was ‘safe’ if I was the ‘performer’, focusing not on my experience or me but on my partners and taking care of their needs. And so I became, for some, the perfect sexual partner. I didn’t have needs. I was in constant service mode. And that “busyness” helped to mask my dysfunction for years.

Fortunately, not everyone wants a disconnected lover. Thankfully, there are many people who crave aware and conscious lovemaking.

It was when I met my now husband, Matthew, that a part of me awoke. After years of celibacy, I knew I needed to start confronting my fears around intimacy and sexuality .I wanted a successful and happy partnership. I wanted to experience joy and unbridled pleasure. I wanted to not ‘perform’ but to be loved and taken care of. I wanted to have an orgasm. I wanted to be free.

But the bottom line was, I was in over my head. I hadn’t the first clue as to how to get from here to ‘there and to the freedom for which I yearned. As was the case in many other points in my life, I knew I needed help. And thankfully, Matthew agreed to be part of the process.

Therapy gave me the safe opportunity to address my fear. In the sanctuary of a therapist’s office, I could verbalize to Matthew what I hadn’t yet been able to; I was able to give him some important insight into my past. There were reasons I was frightened. He didn’t need details but understanding that I had been hurt before helped him to understand he would need to tread lightly and gently along our course. I was also able to express my deep want that at some point we could have a brilliant, happy sexual life.

I also made a promise:  never again would I fake an orgasm. I was beginning to see what a dangerous trap and game that could be. To have any secrets and lies in relationship was not healthy, and damaged a sacred bond. To know that I could tell the truth, had to tell it, was going to be a huge step in my healing.

We were given ‘homework’ and it was back to the basics for us. As partners we took baby steps that established for me a safety and security that I had never known. Intimacy is about being in the moment. Being present. Sharing time and space with a partner and allowing whatever arises to be. It is about embracing the vulnerability and the softening that comes with such openings. Trust was built in this way. Slow and steady.

1.      Understanding my history of abuse was one of the steps that I had to take to begin to unravel the acting out I was doing. As well as to understand some of the subconscious behavior that was manifesting; like dissociating when in intimate situations.

2.      Staying in the moment and being present was key for me to focus on. It was like a mantra and I had to remind myself of this in those first baby steps toward healing intimacy. Because I had done some work to understand how I had gotten so balled up and why I thought it was safer to disconnect, I was able to understand my triggers and patterns.

3.      The simple art of breathing and slowing down my actions supported being present and in each moment. There are easy breath exercises and the support of yoga and its focus on this kind of work helped me to hone in on the art of mindful breathing.

4.      Good communication on and around sexual intimacy was crucial. Being able to voice what was coming up –  whether fear or pleasure –  created a stable foundation for my partnership with Matthew. A daily or weekly ritual of ‘checking’ in and honoring relationship was helpful to attaining a deep and steady bond with my husband. It creates the ground to also be able to express our likes and dislikes when we are in that intimate setting.

5.      Journaling continues to nourish me to this day. Often what comes up for me in the cathartic flow of writing shows me glimmers of some subtle issues that might be worth bringing up with my partner. It’s a safe barometer for progress as well as hashing out and healing fears that are too overwhelming to discuss until they have been looked at within – and on the page. 

It takes perseverance to change old patterns. But the discipline and dedication to the freedom that love and loving can bring is worth every effort. To connect and heal the heart can indeed heal the past.  And as I’ve learned, those of us who have suffered trauma can, with love and patience and practical steps, heal the wounds.

Carré Otis has long been one of the most recognizable faces in modeling, headlining in campaigns for Guess, Donna Karan, Calvin Klein, and Revlon. As a supermodel, Carré has appeared on the covers of Vogue, Elle, Harper’s Bazaar, Glamour, and Cosmopolitan. She’s worked with many of the world’s greatest fashion photographers, including Richard Avedon, Herb Ritts, Helmut Newton, and Peter Lindbergh.  In her book Beauty Disrupted: A Memoir Carré shares her unique insight into the business of beauty and the high price it demands by giving an honest account of her struggle with love, identity and spirituality.  Now a wife and busy mother of two she’s found a new voice as a passionate advocate for young women in and out of the modeling industry. Visit her at www.carrelife.com. Follow her on Twitter @carreotis and visit her Facebook fanpage. 

Listen to Carré on YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA on Thursday, February 9th, 7pm EST.

Listen to Carré open up about trauma and recovery in the YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA podcast.